A long time in coming

This has been a long time in coming. To one particular person, though I spare you any additional shame, though you may deserve it, by naming your name.


I am extremely angry with you. I've worked for a while to be able to say that, calmly and without letting the hatred excapte from the core of my being. I've prayed for help to ease the hurt that you've caused and it hasn't come yet. Maybe I'm hanging on to it too tightly. I know that it's a weakness of mine, hanging on to things.

You tell me you're leaving because you can't bare to let us down any more than you have. Every time I talk to you, you tell me that you'll pay me back as soon as you get the money, but then I found out that you were so irrisponsible as to get pregnant. Not only that, but you were TRYING to get pregnant. Given the fact that you and your husband are in trouble with the law for numerous things, he has no job, you don't have a car and you quit school so there's no chance of a better payhing job, I guess you purposefully decided to ignore your other responsiblities to me, the state, your parents and so on, and fulfill your own self-centered desires.

This wouldn't hurt me so much if it was just money. Money is money. I'm not so obsessed with it that I would be ready to destroy our friendship over money. But you know that I don't want to have my own children until I can afford them.... and you always say that you don't want to raise your children on welfare. So, what have you done? You have not only chosen to betray yourself and your beliefs, but also effectually screw with my life and prevent my own descision for however long it takes me to pay off the bills that I would have payed off with the money you owe me.

Money I could forgive. Your self-centered descision to have a child at what I see as being at my expense....that I'm not sure I can forgive.

I can't stand who you've become. I am struggling to not judge. But to me, you are worthless. As a friend, as a member of society, as a mother for bringing a child into the life you have created for it....worthless. I know it's not my place to say that, and it's cruel, but I can't help my shortcomings.

I want so much to tell you these things, but part of me still values the freindship we once had, and knows that it's not my place to judge. We all have to answer for our actions in the end. You'll have to answer for what you have done, just as I will have to answer for my feelings and actions toward you. I cac accept that, because I know my feelings are wrong. But, can you accept the responsibility for your actions?