I remember in the last 4 years, worrying so much. About failing a test, about pulling off an event with my clubs, about my car breaking down, or making sure a transition goes just perfectly on the radio. About making sure my laundry is done, feeding the cats, what I eat.....so many different things that seemed so BIG at the time.
Not so much anymore.
I'm going through a crisis of faith. I have been for the last several years. I can't say that I believe in God, but I can't say that I don't either. I have been wrestling and arguing about things for so long and I still have found no resolution. Jordan guilted me into going to church with him. I haven't gone in years; I haven't felt comfortable in church in so long. And I'm still not comfortable. I would come closest to calling myself Catholic, but just becuase I like the traditions. The way they honor age old traditions. I don't like modern music and practices in the church. I would be ashamed of myself to wear pants to church. Not something I was ever taught. Just something I always felt in my heart. And part of me says I shouldn't be so stuck in the past. I should embrace change....but I can't. I like predictiable traditions for their comfort. It reminds me of simpler times and takes me away from the complications of today's world.
I don't know. I just don't know anything anymore.
I know that I sat in church crying this morning because I wish I could have the comfort of the faith that everyone else has. My husband tells me everything will be fine, but I simply cannot beleive it. He stood up to be saved today and to be baptised next week. And I honestly am very happy for him. I have seen some of the thing's he's gone through the past few years. I din't even know him when he went through the worst years of his life so far and I cannot imagine what it was like. I'm so happy he's found peace and strength in his life. I envy him that.
I wish I had the faith of those around me, especially now.
I got laid off. It's no where nearly as bad as it could be. I still have 20 hours per week, and I know they will come up in 2 -3 months. But I have a habit of blowing problems out of proportion and I am so scared for what will come. We have so many obligations - student loans, a mortgage, car payment and so on. I'm trying very hard not to hold a grudge against my boss, but it's hard. He's not mking wise descisions with his money. He's says he's so worried about the families that work for him, but he's keeping his wife in a Porche (she doesn't work), remodeling their lake house and buying a third house that they have left sit to rot. It's hard to think of him as sincere about his worrying about our family....when he said he was cutting my hours, I think he was truly concerned that we would be ok. I just don't think he even realizes that he's sacrificing his business and those that work there for his extravagant life style.
I would love to quit. Stay at home, be a wife and mommy. Jordan says he doesn't want kids and I think part of him doesn't. But I watch him with the little kids and he's so good with them. I know he would like to have one too. He used to be so proud of being the "bad boy" and being weird and different. Now he has a wife and a house, wants a dog and a kid....when he goes to see his old friends, they just don't quite click anymore. Which I'm sorry for in a way, becuase I know he misses his friends.
But we're still young. We have the time to pay our bills, start a family and have all that we want. It's just hard to be patient and believe that that is possible. One day.
